Sober Day 22.
A few days ago, I heard someone in AA about how many of us in recovery will never hit the “white light” moment. You know, that experience that others say that in a blinding flash of white light, they knew in their hearts that there was a higher power, a God even, and it kept them clean ever since.
Good for them, I say.
What the lady said in that moment was exactly what I needed to hear. I know myself, and I know that even the most enlightening flashes of light that come across for me will never be met with a due “AHA!” moment. That is just not me. For many of us, the process to believing in something is gradual – a slow momentous process that takes time and patience. Who would have thought? From the most unexpected person (a white lady in her 60s), the twist came at me: that my higher power was never a being, but a process.
That I’ve never been really true to myself, and if I was to survive and keep in recovery, I’d have to be utterly honest. I needed to accept my sexuality, my position in society – not because I had a misplaced sense of pride in my predicament, but because acceptance is the first step in changing anything. And so, in that moment, I’ve realized that the process of decolonization was my higher power. Ironic eh? Here I am going about I never had a blinding moment, a blinding flash of light, and yet, here I am.
Addiction has been a pivotal force that came about with the expansion of capitalism, and hence, colonization. That “God” was mentioned in recovery was really a major turn off for me. God was the driving force in the expansion of Europe, and its consequence was the robbing of life and ways of life for millions of people. When I first entered, it was hard to not see the irony. That the ideology behind much of addiction was present in recovery. It kept me out.
But now it is different. The last several weeks, I’ve been looking for non-Christian, even anti-colonial methods of spirituality. It’s been a refreshing endeavor, except I don’t have time with work and all. But when I do, I try my best to make my research as best as I can. I suppose I will keep this site updated on what comes of this.