Or 91 days to be exact. Finally. God damn finally.
Frankly, I don’t feel like this achievement tastes like I dreamed it would. But at the very least the trying over again and again paid off. It stuck!
Though it does feel different this time (as if living in an SLE for the first time wasn’t big enough), I know I’m not on a completely solid foundation. I have yet to complete my steps, finish my Big Book reading, and other areas need improvement. I know I have a big ego and I have yet to develop a spiritual path that satisfies my own experience. The cravings hit, and due to my housing hanging in the balance, I am not motivated to act on my obsession. I hope this will change as I do the work.
Perhaps the biggest wrench in the relapse pattern was admitting that I needed help in the form of an SLE program. This single but impactful decision threw me forward into a frame of mind that I needed to be in. It gave me the accountability I was desperate for – and everything else was just a plus. Somehow, I’ve been able to make good friends here. Though there is an amount of roommate drama, and the occasional discomfort with others’ views or habit, I would rather deal with that than the misery and the guilt regarding relapse or use. It’s petty compared than the past.
I hope that I can keep moving forward. I hope that these days can become years.