It showed up at around midnight, yesterday. And when it did, goodbye to proper sleep and serene mind. All of a sudden, it was as if my addict self was “awake” – like a watchtower, shining the light to look for an excuse, or a way too use.
I had changed my number prior a while back, expecting that perhaps, old “friends” would try to get in touch with me. I didn’t want to put myself at risk, but as luck would have it, being out and relapsing sabotaged the point of the new number. Soon, I got texts and phone calls, from several “friends”, who wanted to hang. As soon as the possibility showed up, that’s when it all began.
So today I went to two meetings, I told on myself, and I even gave my phone to my sponsor. I feel particularly weak. I had a resistance to prayer but that’s I’ve been doing tonight, in addition to meditation, tai chi and now writing. I know my sponsor is disappointed, and I honestly can’t blame him. Why the heck am I selfish? What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I willing to put everything on the line to get loaded? I don’t understand myself.
I want to get to the root of it.
For the first time ever, I’m at a crossroads – the good kind. I’ve been working and repairing the relationship with my mom, for the first time in roughly a decade. I just got my standing at my job back. I’m about to pay a debt, I’ve made a decision to actively start being more spiritual. So, what gives?
I’m thinking, closing my eyes, trying to find the root cause. I think its just this… loneliness.
At meetings, sometimes I just wanna beg my sponsor to take me with him. I hate being alone. I hate remembering my mistakes, I hate the reminder of not having family, and I hate if I go a single day without my medication, I’m a walking mess. I’d like to go out – not at a meeting, but as a normal person to the mall or movies. I just want to chill with someone. I want to be a human with someone. I want intimacy. I’m pretty sure that my using friends reach out in the same vein. And cutting this connection that I think I have is harder than anything. I feel like if I do, I’m ensuring my loneliness this much more.
I suppose that’s where the need to use comes from. It’s this belief and feeling that no matter how much I repair everything else – my job, my family, etc. – I am always alone. Always. By myself, literally, with no one around me. I swear to Dao that if I just had anyone in my vicinity, maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. I think I’m tired of being alone. If I die from an OD now versus just naturally – it wouldn’t matter. Because I’m going to be alone either way. And the world is ending in a few decades anyway. So what?
It’s the nihilist inside me I have to tackle, and overcome. I think I’ve managed today. I hope I can tomorrow.