All the stitches and staples are now out of my body. No more nerve blockers. No more obsessing whether I need pain meds or not… and unfortunately still no work for yet another week. The doctor was worried that I’d push myself too hard too soon, possibly damaging the healed tissue. Though part of me was happy, another part of me had this sinking dread… A feeling that I was letting my work and my co-workers down. Didn’t matter that we had talked about the possibility of a medical extension. I just don’t give myself a break, do I?
I am announcing several changes. Despite being instructed to have a gratitude list of 10 everyday, I’m going to cut that to a number that seems right. It may be 10 – it may be five. Though I do like digging and seeing the little things I should not be ungrateful for, I also want to make this process simpler and more enjoyable. I also want to spend more time in checking in. I’d like to actually log my thoughts and life events on this virtual log, if you will. Once I begin working, this will be more difficult. Hopefully, this simpler log check-in will do more good.
- I did not pray to my HP this morning (but I did last night).
- My gratitude list:
- I’m grateful with keeping this blog as long as I have. It has really helped.
- I’m grateful of my education. I can write, speak and maneuver better in life much better than if I hadn’t.
- I’m appreciative of the warm jacket I was gifted a few days ago.
- I’m grateful of this heater.
- I’m happy that my books are still standing. That war on mold really had me worried, but it’s under control and my most prized possessions are safe.
- I will reach out to other addicts today (I did so last night).
- I will go to a meeting today (I did not last night).
- I will pray tonight (I did last night).
It’s been a rough week following the surgery, from a procedure in which-will-not-be-named (wouldn’t you want to know, eh?). All you have to know is that, 1. its embarrassing, and 2. it was painful. So the dreaded issue regarding pain medication landed in my lap. It’s arrival was unwelcome yet un-warned to my inexperienced soul. The manner in which this came to me gave me my first lesson of hospitalization in recovery:
1. Make preparations to have someone hold your medication, whether or not you’re planning to have them prescribed to you.
I asked the front desk, several nurses, and my doctor, to not give me pain medication. They did so anyway. The doctor tapped me on my shoulder, saying, “You just might need it. But I’m happy you’ve brought this up. Refills will be closely monitored.” I was prescribed 20 norcos. I had talked to some friends over who might hold it – my sponsor? My previous roommates? It looked like my previous roommates would hold it, but after some conversations it didn’t seem like a good idea. So there I was bouncing from person to person, wondering who would hold my medication for me. My sponsor ended up taking it. It would have been easier to just have a set person ready and willing prior to the surgery, because once you’re put under, you won’t have the focus to make the best choice.
2. Be honest with yourself: do you want pain relief, or…?
I have to say that for an over-thinker like me, I became torn, almost obsessed, of whether I “needed” a pill or not. I don’t think it was because as an addict I have to have any substance no matter what inside me. In my worst days, I never was fallen to the point of stealing or doing other desperate acts to get loaded, and I’m proud of that. The fact remained, it did hurt, and the numbing injection of where the stitches met the staples, that met the dressing…. well. It slowly became painful and more painful. I wanted relief from that. I called my sponsor, and announced my intention. It was understood. That was that.
3. If you do end up taking pain medication: A) stay in touch.
I promised my sponsor that if ever I needed a pain pill, I would advise him before taking anything. We concluded that for me, a half one would probably be sufficient. I eventually did a mistake on this front, and I’ll get into it more later. Yet, I think having someone in communication while dosing will help you be aware of you’re own true intentions, as well as keep the other person informed on your condition – and hopefully prevent you from slipping.
B) Don’t isolate.
After half a pill, I was not in the mood to go out, but I forced myself to do so. Part of the addiction is isolation, and I wasn’t going to let pattern re-activate, even if I had a hospital pass. It’s important for physical recovery anyway to do some type of physical action. Taking the time to go out, even if its just a stroll at the local independent bookstore, really made a difference.
Mistakes.
We all do them, and the mistake I did was out of fear of having more pain! I was on my way to the hospital for a dressing change and stitch removal. I had already taken half a pill. My friend who was picking me up, advised me to take a whole one since the process could be painful. Immediately after I put the down the phone down, I swallowed a whole one (my sponsor entrusted me with two). And so, not only did I not follow the prescribed directions, but I also didn’t communicate with my sponsor at that moment. The stitch removal was not too painful (probably due to the meds), but I did overdo it, and did not feel well for the rest of the day. In fact, as I write this, I feel a little nauseous. Never. Again.
However, I called my sponsor. I was honest. In this whole ordeal, I followed everyone’s precautions in every step of the way. I trusted other with the knowledge of what I was going through. Despite my mistake, I consider myself sober and never intended to use the medication that way. I have realized how far is my obsessive mind willing to go, but I believe I did everything right. And I also found out pain medication is definitely not my thing.