Sometimes, we do things we don’t we do until we say them. It helps in therapy, and recovery.
This comes to mind today because today I realized I had actually forgiven my mom.
Around 8 years ago, I left home. Being gay meant I didn’t have a place in my religion nor family. My mom took it surprisingly harder than my father. I remember how harsh she was. I remember once, as my mom hurled insults and names, I stood steadfast (well, tried too), washing the dishes and just hoping it would all blow over. A few minutes, realizing what she had done, she came in. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “Those things I said”… That was all she could mutter before breaking down into tears. I hugged her. And we both cried.
But there were times she never apologized. By 19, after saving some money and networking, I headed to the Bay Area and tried to begin a new life, as muddled in addiction as it went. Years went by, and it wasn’t until a family tragedy that my mom realized that blood nor religion isn’t an indicator of how “good” a person can be. And that she had pushed away someone who truly wanted to be loved by her, but was no longer there. I think it caused a panic attack in her. Hearing her say “sorry” was honestly so relieving. It wasn’t enough for years of distance and isolation, but it was start.
We’ve kept in touch. Surprisingly, she took therapy at my suggestion, and started helping the victims of the family tragedy. But the money ran out, and without a means to keep therapy, she panicked.
Today, we talked on the phone. I tried to help in every which way I can, providing different opinions and angles to the issue. And it was in that conversation that I saw my mom for the complicated being she was. That every move she made was her best effort of doing the right thing – in her worldview. How can I be enraged at that? How could that be her fault? And what good was carrying that rage anyway?
Today I was able to do that because I’m clean. I was able to make my sponsor proud, be there for my mom, and actually get a feeling that recovery is making a difference in my life. I’ve relapsed many times in the past, but I hope that I’m done with that. I wanna focus on my recovery and I continue to grow in ways I just didn’t believe was possible.