5-26-22; The Sabotage Trigger

The sabotage trigger happens when, under a desired, even beneficial endeavor is in the horizon, the addict feels compelled to use, causing the sight of a better life to crumble away. The relief trigger, on the other hand, is the active use after the desired outcome is achieved. Both types of triggers were really strong today, but I did not use. For once.

Today, we will focus on the sabotage trigger. I think by itself, the sabotage trigger really ruins a lot of folks, and its here where the compulsion is really obvious. Many people have ruined second chances, career options, and just overall a better life because from a relapse a day, even hours, before the hurdle is overcome! Not sure why this happens, but if I had to guess, it most likely has to do with the feelings of unworthiness. The stress of a job interview might be too much. Add to that the sense of worthlessness, the addict is not compelled nor willing to move forward on their lives. They may think that they do not deserve an improvement, and would rather just avoid the stressors. Drugs and alcohol, of course, are some of the ultimate avoidance strategies.

I’ve done this myself. It was in the middle of the preparation of the interview that the feelings of cravings began to rear its ugly and crippling head. There was more though.

The job interview was farther than the place where I’d actually be hired to work (their main offices were about 50-60 miles away). And it was near this location where my use was active. The memories, locations and familiar places was a looming presence. If it weren’t for the support I have now, I definitely would have used before even making it to the interview.

But I didn’t.

And as the interview came to a close, I was hoping to wait around for old friends. Unfortunately, it was a weekday, and everyone was going to be open in three to four hours. Knowing that my cravings were just feeding off from the bodily compulsion of desire, I removed myself of the situation. I went home.

Though I wished I could have stayed, I had to do what I had to do in a weak moment. Else I wouldn’t be typing this at this very moment. I hope that one day, I can go into a familiar location and simply enjoy the community there than engage in use. I guess this will take time.