←

→

5-14-22; Post-Hospitalization Depression?

May 15th, 2022 | General

Haven’t posted for a few days. I want to say that it’s because I don’t have time, or some other external reason. The truth is that I do have time. There’s been this nagging tired feeling. The end of my leave is approaching, and yet, I’m looking forward to not going to work. I thought that by the second week, staying at home would motivate me to want to go back to the office and resume my duties. That’s furthest from the truth. I remember starting my writing assignments eagerly. Now, it’s hard for me to even cook my normal meals. It’s not just work, it’s just everything.

Perhaps it is the realization of how monotonous my life has become. Going to the office, Monday through Friday, 5-9, everyday. Is this it?

I crave adrenaline, or some type of change. It’s almost as if my mind is craving conflict, some type of crazed passion to get into. Without a higher cause, if you will, my own psychological state is stagnant. I’m existentially driven, and for a while not having an existential drive for my life was OK. Going into recovery made me realize that its ok to have those gaps in existential purpose. For a few years, building myself back from a low point consisted of letting go of this existential drive. However, I’ve had a chance to look at my life for once. After weeks to ponder as I healed and trying to get myself out of this rut, I’ve realized that I don’t like where I am at, or where I’m going.

So it’s time to change it.

 

As always:

  1. I did pray, though the not the morning.
  2. My gratitude list:
    1. I’m grateful that I’m talking to my mom again.
    2. I’m grateful that I do have blood family who still care, and check in on me every so often.
    3. I’m happy for this fan that’s keeping me cool in this hot day.
    4. I’m grateful for the new retcon of Star Trek Strange New Worlds! Great pilot, looking forward to the season! Woot woot.
    5. I’m grateful that there are people who share in my socio-political views, and ease the sense of isolation.
    6. I’m grateful that my place hasn’t burned down.
    7. I’m grateful for the wisdom of books that I’ve been able to retain, however compromised it is due to the brain fog.
  3. I did not attend a meeting today. Hopefully I can make it to a morning one tomorrow.
  4. I did reach out to another addict.
  5. I will pray tonight.