Entries from May 2022 ↓

The sabotage trigger happens when, under a desired, even beneficial endeavor is in the horizon, the addict feels compelled to use, causing the sight of a better life to crumble away. The relief trigger, on the other hand, is the active use after the desired outcome is achieved. Both types of triggers were really strong today, but I did not use. For once.

Today, we will focus on the sabotage trigger. I think by itself, the sabotage trigger really ruins a lot of folks, and its here where the compulsion is really obvious. Many people have ruined second chances, career options, and just overall a better life because from a relapse a day, even hours, before the hurdle is overcome! Not sure why this happens, but if I had to guess, it most likely has to do with the feelings of unworthiness. The stress of a job interview might be too much. Add to that the sense of worthlessness, the addict is not compelled nor willing to move forward on their lives. They may think that they do not deserve an improvement, and would rather just avoid the stressors. Drugs and alcohol, of course, are some of the ultimate avoidance strategies.

I’ve done this myself. It was in the middle of the preparation of the interview that the feelings of cravings began to rear its ugly and crippling head. There was more though.

The job interview was farther than the place where I’d actually be hired to work (their main offices were about 50-60 miles away). And it was near this location where my use was active. The memories, locations and familiar places was a looming presence. If it weren’t for the support I have now, I definitely would have used before even making it to the interview.

But I didn’t.

And as the interview came to a close, I was hoping to wait around for old friends. Unfortunately, it was a weekday, and everyone was going to be open in three to four hours. Knowing that my cravings were just feeding off from the bodily compulsion of desire, I removed myself of the situation. I went home.

Though I wished I could have stayed, I had to do what I had to do in a weak moment. Else I wouldn’t be typing this at this very moment. I hope that one day, I can go into a familiar location and simply enjoy the community there than engage in use. I guess this will take time.

During my active addiction, my mental health was delayed and unkempt, and my attendance showed. Overtaken by emotions, memories and rage, my job suffered. I remember that despite these traits, when a higher position of my skill-set opened up, I was still encouraged to apply. It was difficult to overcome feeling of worthlessness and low self-esteem that delayed my application.

Flash forward over a half year into active recovery, and boy, what a different situation. My performance has improved. The paralyzing anxiety caused by different aspects of my job has become manageable. During my hospitalization, I thought… well. What am I doing? Do I really want to keep working at the office, dealing with the stress of customer service? And deep down, I knew the answer – No.

So I did what I could do with months of being clean. I started to apply to jobs that were in line with my ambitions, skills and passions. Lo and behold, I now have several options to choose from! Who. Would. Have. Thought! I can’t underestimate how this was possible by being clean. Before, I couldn’t even fathom that I deserved a better paying position. Now, I am not comfortable with the sameness and lack of growth and better pay that I am confident I deserve.

List of what I’m grateful for:

1. I’m grateful for the pure and loving moments I had with my ex-partner. He may be a jerk sometimes but I cherish when we were together.

2. I’m appreciative that my brothers can come to me with questions on education and career decisions, because I’m clear-headed to be present.

3. I’m extremely grateful for a 4 work-week!! WOOT WOOT!

4. I’m grateful of the upcoming job opportunities.

5. I’m grateful for the patience and love of my current job, despite my need to outgrow it.

6. I’m grateful for someone who’s become closer in the past few weeks.

Haven’t posted for a few days. I want to say that it’s because I don’t have time, or some other external reason. The truth is that I do have time. There’s been this nagging tired feeling. The end of my leave is approaching, and yet, I’m looking forward to not going to work. I thought that by the second week, staying at home would motivate me to want to go back to the office and resume my duties. That’s furthest from the truth. I remember starting my writing assignments eagerly. Now, it’s hard for me to even cook my normal meals. It’s not just work, it’s just everything.

Perhaps it is the realization of how monotonous my life has become. Going to the office, Monday through Friday, 5-9, everyday. Is this it?

I crave adrenaline, or some type of change. It’s almost as if my mind is craving conflict, some type of crazed passion to get into. Without a higher cause, if you will, my own psychological state is stagnant. I’m existentially driven, and for a while not having an existential drive for my life was OK. Going into recovery made me realize that its ok to have those gaps in existential purpose. For a few years, building myself back from a low point consisted of letting go of this existential drive. However, I’ve had a chance to look at my life for once. After weeks to ponder as I healed and trying to get myself out of this rut, I’ve realized that I don’t like where I am at, or where I’m going.

So it’s time to change it.

As always:

1. I did pray, though the not the morning.
2. My gratitude list:
   1. I’m grateful that I’m talking to my mom again.
   2. I’m grateful that I do have blood family who still care, and check in on me every so often.
   3. I’m happy for this fan that’s keeping me cool in this hot day.
   4. I’m grateful for the new retcon of Star Trek Strange New Worlds! Great pilot, looking forward to the season! Woot woot.
   5. I’m grateful that there are people who share in my socio-political views, and ease the sense of isolation.
   6. I’m grateful that my place hasn’t burned down.
   7. I’m grateful for the wisdom of books that I’ve been able to retain, however compromised it is due to the brain fog.
3. I did not attend a meeting today. Hopefully I can make it to a morning one tomorrow.
4. I did reach out to another addict.
5. I will pray tonight.

Trying to do this daily is more challenging that I thought. The blog is called Ninety in Ninety, so to that effect, I will make up days in which I haven’t posted. Looks like I’m behind two posts. Well, here we go.

1. I did pray to my HP this morning.
2. My gratitude list:
   1. I’m grateful that a lot of my friends came through when I needed help financially post-surgery.
   2. I’m grateful that I have friends who know car stuff, to help me in my bad car luck.
   3. I’m appreciative of ibuprofen… because the post-op healing without pain meds hurts like a mofo.
   4. I’m grateful of my sponsor – more specifically, his compassion to let me borrow his car in the middle of my bad car luck.
   5. I’m grateful for the rain yesterday, even though it was plenty sunny and I much prefer dark, gloomy days.
   6. I’m grateful for the rides I got yesterday while I didn’t have my car.
   7. I’m appreciative of the support and attention I’ve had from professionals to my mental health.
   8. I am indeed grateful for the trust I’ve received from people in recovery, and my sponsor. Its overwhelming, to be honest.
   9. I’m appreciative of the credibility and trust I’ve gained from my years of organizing and hard work.
   10. I’m grateful that I’m getting these damn staples out of skin post-op!
3. I haven’t reached out to another addict today, yet (it is just 6.47 am).
4. Haven’t gone to a meeting yet.
5. I will pray this night.

1. I did not pray to my HP this morning.
2. My gratitude list:
   1. Tea
   2. That my friends showed up to my birthday dinner yesteryday
   3. That I had one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a long time.
   4. That my friends’ cute dogs love me too!
   5. That I have friends that can help me when my car’s ignition broke.
   6. I’m grateful that I feel sleepy, and probably should just go to bed for a good night sleep.
   7. I’m happy that there have been people that have intimately loved me.
   8. That, if my life ended right now, I could confidently say, I have loved, and have been loved, by friends, family, and lovers.
   9. I’m grateful for my loved ones who call me, multiple times, to check that I am ok.
   10. I’m appreciative that I have friends who have forgiven me for wrongs and mistakes I’ve done.
3. I did not reach out to another addict today.
4. I did go to a meeting.
5. I will pray this night.

1. I did pray in the morning.
2. Gratitude list:
   1. I am grateful that my friends and networks raised funds for me in a matter of hours to not be behind financially.
   2. I am grateful that despite being ostracized from family, I still have somewhat of a relationship with them, no matter how tenuous.
   3. I am appreciative of the manner in which my organizing friends take me seriously.
   4. I am grateful that I have more than enough food to survive for a few weeks. Lots of carbs tho, but I’ll make it.
   5. I am grateful that I have a great set-up in my room.
   6. I am grateful that  I have lived long enough to see my birthday tomorrow.
   7. I fucking love the shows I’m seeing.
   8. Reminds me, I love that I’m living in a great era of movies and shows. Justice League and Halo? Hell yeah!
   9. I love that coffee shop.
   10. Thank the Force for chai tea!
3. I did not reach out to another addict.
4. I went to a meeting.
5. I will pray tonight.

Yes. I take therapy.

No, I’m not gonna say what I say in therapy.

1. I meditated this morning, as opposed to prayed. I count that as equivalent.
2. This gratitude list will be based from the feelings following hospitalizations. It has been on my mind lately, and those emotions going back to those days are real intense. I hope that by describing them here I can manage them.
   1. I am grateful that my throat is healed enough to drink water, and eat food.
   2. I am grateful from the kindness and niceness that each and every nurse displayed.
   3. I am appreciative of the doctors’ that treated me with respect.
   4. I am grateful of the doctor that saved my life.
   5. I am grateful for the visitations of all my friends. I still feel like its a dream.
   6. I definitely liked hospital room service.
   7. I’m also definitely happy I was put under rather than undergo all those medical procedures… consciously.
   8. I am grateful that somehow, I have food under my roof, and a full belly. Somehow.
   9. I am thankful for therapy.
   10. Gawd, I love gaming.
3. I did not reach out to another addict…. But I did friends. And though its not the same, for today, I will count that.
4. I went to a meeting.
5. I did pray tonight.

Edit: I did reach out to another addict. It was a text, but it was an important interaction, and I will count that also.

It’s been a rough week following the surgery, from a procedure in which-will-not-be-named (wouldn’t you want to know, eh?). All you have to know is that, 1. its embarrassing, and 2. it was painful. So the dreaded issue regarding pain medication landed in my lap. It’s arrival was unwelcome yet un-warned to my inexperienced soul. The manner in which this came to me gave me my first lesson of hospitalization in recovery:

1. Make preparations to have someone hold your medication, whether or not you’re planning to have them prescribed to you.

I asked the front desk, several nurses, and my doctor, to not give me pain medication. They did so anyway. The doctor tapped me on my shoulder, saying, “You just might need it. But I’m happy you’ve brought this up. Refills will be closely monitored.” I was prescribed 20 norcos. I had talked to some friends over who might hold it – my sponsor? My previous roommates? It looked like my previous roommates would hold it, but after some conversations it didn’t seem like a good idea. So there I was bouncing from person to person, wondering who would hold my medication for me. My sponsor ended up taking it. It would have been easier to just have a set person ready and willing prior to the surgery, because once you’re put under, you won’t have the focus to make the best choice.

2. Be honest with yourself: do you want pain relief, or…?

I have to say that for an over-thinker like me, I became torn, almost obsessed, of whether I “needed” a pill or not. I don’t think it was because as an addict I have to have any substance no matter what inside me. In my worst days, I never was fallen to the point of stealing or doing other desperate acts to get loaded, and I’m proud of that. The fact remained, it did hurt, and the numbing injection of where the stitches met the staples, that met the dressing…. well. It slowly became painful and more painful. I wanted relief from that. I called my sponsor, and announced my intention. It was understood. That was that.

3. If you do end up taking pain medication: A) stay in touch.

I promised my sponsor that if ever I needed a pain pill, I would advise him before taking anything. We concluded that for me, a half one would probably be sufficient. I eventually did a mistake on this front, and I’ll get into it more later. Yet, I think having someone in communication while dosing will help you be aware of you’re own true intentions, as well as keep the other person informed on your condition – and hopefully prevent you from slipping.

B) Don’t isolate.

After half a pill, I was not in the mood to go out, but I forced myself to do so. Part of the addiction is isolation, and I wasn’t going to let pattern re-activate, even if I had a hospital pass. It’s important for physical recovery anyway to do some type of physical action. Taking the time to go out, even if its just a stroll at the local independent bookstore, really made a difference.

Mistakes.

We all do them, and the mistake I did was out of fear of having more pain! I was on my way to the hospital for a dressing change and stitch removal. I had already taken half a pill. My friend who was picking me up, advised me to take a whole one since the process could be painful. Immediately after I put the down the phone down, I swallowed a whole one (my sponsor entrusted me with two). And so, not only did I not follow the prescribed directions, but I also didn’t communicate with my sponsor at that moment. The stitch removal was not too painful (probably due to the meds), but I did overdo it, and did not feel well for the rest of the day. In fact, as I write this, I feel a little nauseous. Never. Again.

However, I called my sponsor. I was honest. In this whole ordeal, I followed everyone’s precautions in every step of the way. I trusted other with the knowledge of what I was going through. Despite my mistake, I consider myself sober and never intended to use the medication that way. I have realized how far is  my obsessive mind willing to go, but I believe I did everything right. And I also found out pain medication is definitely not my thing.

1. I did pray to my HP this morning.
2. Ten things I’m grateful for:
   1. For my friend that helped me get to the hospital today.
   2. To get my stitches removed today.
   3. That I can finally sit comfortable as a normal person once again.
   4. I’m grateful that my healing is on schedule and is doing great.
   5. I’m appreciative that I was well supported during my surgery.
   6. I’m grateful for my co-worker that came and dropped off additional ibuprofen, because I ran out.
   7. I’m grateful to walk [more] normally than awkwardly following surgery.
   8. I’m happy to have a bed.
   9. I’m grateful to live in nature.
   10. I’m grateful that I’ve had many chances to start over once again. I don’t know how long I can keep that up.
3. I texted back to another fellow addict, who got back to me late yesterday.
4. I went to two meetings, so I’m skipping attending one today. I hope my sponsor thinks that’s ok.
5. I plan to pray at night. Which, I again did so last night with my reminder.